Feeds:
Posts
Comments

The Lawyer Vs the Nanny

Here is a comparison of two girls I briefly dated.

Girl A

  • occasionally tossed out five dollar words like “antinomian”
  • never spoke about her job in detail or hinted that she liked it
  • talked more than once about the school she attended and about her father’s accomplishments
  • i paid for her drinks
  • noticed my brand of watch
  • smiled a lot
  • had artsy photographs hanging on her walls
  • on the way to my bedroom the first time she saw a pile of my dirty clothes on the floor and made a face
  • skipped foreplay, went straight to gatling gun-style jackhammer sex
  • assumed the doggy position unprompted

Girl B

  • liked to kiss more than talk
  • bought me drinks
  • made me dinner with a table setting of wine candles and flowers
  • never mentioned her father
  • was bilingual
  • took pictures with her digital camera and emailed them to me
  • on the way to my bedroom the first time she giggled as I carried her
  • much foreplay followed by lovemaking in front of a wall-length mirror where we watched ourselves
  • was married and hid it from me
  • said she loved me

Guess which girl was the six figure corporate lawyer and which was the nanny studying psychology part time at grad school.

I think it’s interesting how much of a girl’s personality and femininity I can predict based on her career.

ANSWER:
A – lawyer.

Lawyers are way too calculating to say they love you after only a short while dating.

I was standing around with Zeets at one of my favorite clubs when I was approached by a girl who immediately chatted me up.  I thought, here was an opportunity that doesn’t fall in my lap every day.

Unfortunately, the girl who opened me was fat and pig-faced.  And slightly inebriated.  Considering her beastliness, I was intrigued in a sort of scientifically curious way by her assertive demeanor and sky high self-confidence, so I didn’t blow her off right away.  A minute later her friends had joined us.  Zeets had engaged one of the friends in conversation and judging by his positive interest in her it looked like he would need my wingman duties to prevent grumpy cockblocking by the fat one.  This was my night to fall on the ammo dump.

Guys will understand what I’m about to describe.  It’s funny what happens when you are the object of an ugly woman’s affection.  You get uncomfortable at first, then annoyed that this girl presumes to think she is in your league, and finally cruel, just to be rid of her.  Now try keeping an ugly girl entertained for an hour.  It will test your patience to the limits and expose you to the risk of her thinking she has a chance with you.

So for an hour I experienced what it must feel like to be a hot girl getting hit on by a persistent beta with zero game.  And I reacted in exactly the same way a hot girl would react to a loser hitting on her.  Or like a young guy might respond to a cougar stroking his chest.

First came the questions.  She wanted to know so much about me.  I felt like I was being interrogated, so I evaded and gave her smart-alecky answers.

So what to you do?
I kick cats for fun and profit.
 

She seemed to enjoy that.  The cockier I got the more she pressed.  Bad move on my part.  I switched gears and started giving her vanilla one word answers.  This seemed to work and she changed the subject to music hoping to gain more traction.

I really love the band Pussy Surrenders to Red Army.  Ever heard of them?
Yeah, they’re OK.
OMG, did you see their show last week?
Uh, you know, I listen to Celine Dion exclusively now.

Despite my strenuous effort to avoid reciprocating the rapport she so desperately tried to manufacture with me, she soldiered on.  As we were talking she was facing me directly while my body was at a 90 degree angle to hers.  I looked around at the rest of the room in between glances back at her to sustain a conversation I normally wouldn’t have.  I was literally giving her the cold shoulder.  When the mind is not racing with lust it’s easy to be keenly aware of your body language.

Next came the unsolicited compliments.  My negative body language was apparently not enough to cool her jets.  It only invited her to redouble her efforts.

You have great hair. I love your hair!
Uh, thanks.
It’s so soft.  [out of the corner of my eye I saw her hand reach up to touch my hair.  I instinctively jerked my head backwards.]
I don’t wash it.  Natural grease keeps it soft.
You’re the cutest guy in here.  No, seriously!  [my annoyance was rising.]
No, I think that guy is cuter over there.  And he’s checking you out.  You should talk to him.

Finally, the stream of unwanted flattery was over.  Only to be replaced by her touching me.  Lots of touching.
The forearm at first.
Then the hands.
The chest.
She tried to stick her hand in my jeans back pocket.
ew, ew, ew.
Out of the blue she reached up and caressed my cheek.
ew infinity.
She leaned in aggressively.  I leaned away from her.  Lean in, lean away.  I’d fall over soon at this rate.  I tensed up and closed off my body.  She stepped in closer.  I stepped away.  Step in, step away.  We were moving across the room like a dance of repelling magnets.  I actively and conspicuously checked out other girls in front of her as she talked.

She moved in to whisper something in my ear.  I jumped sideways.  We were now talking to each other from six feet apart.  This was a tolerable amount of personal space for me.

I prayed Zeets would number close soon.  I kept trying to get his attention and pass a non-verbal cue to hurry this up but he was in deep rapport with his target.  The Krakon shambled up and put her arm around my waist.  Sweet Lincoln’s mullet, get a couple of drinks in a girl and mix with a dusty vagina that hasn’t seen cock in years and it’s like standing in front of a Chinese tank — you’ll eventually get steamrolled.

Hey, you know, you should really go talk to your friends.  It’s kinda rude to ignore them like this.

I lifted her arm off me and walked away through the crowd to sit on a couch on the other side of the room.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  Zeets was on his own.  I did my part.  If she went back to her friends and messed up his game, I washed my hands of any responsibility.

My freedom wouldn’t last.  No sooner had I caught the eye of an attractive girl and prepared to make a move on her, my tormentor returned and plopped down on the couch next to me.  She scooted nearer and rested her hand on my leg.  I pushed it off.  She stared at me blankly.  Then, release.  The message got through.  She stood up and walked back to her friends, not dejected, but more like a proud but mortally wounded warrior who was forced to surrender.

Everything I said to her, and every way my body responded to her, I’ve seen hot girls do to guys they weren’t remotely interested in.  For an hour, I was that hot girl.

Minimized eye contact and looked down at my drink a lot?  Yes.
Answered questions tersely?  Yes.
No body language mirroring?  Yes.
Repositioned myself to avoid incidental physical contact?  Yes.
Got skeeved out when physical contact ocurred?  Yes.
Got progressively nastier with my comments?  Yes.
Scanned room for a savior to rescue me?  Yes.

The next step on my path to enlightenment would be to bottle the attitude I have with unattractive girls and invoke it when I’m in the company of a woman who really turns me on.  This would elevate me to the stage of playerdom where I exert very little effort to have girls working hard to win me over.

All this unpleasantness would be unnecessary if fat and ugly chicks just followed my simple words of advice:

Know your place.

It’ll make life easier for you and for everyone around you.

YouTube Cheap Shot Sunday

Enjoying a Sunday morning cup of coffee and reading the hilarious insults from YouTube commenters has become a treasured personal growth and productivity time sink for me.  The key to savoring truly inspired mockeries is to choose a popular video featuring an easy target.  This combination brings out the best in people.

This video by a guy riffing on the equally strange YouTube video below elicited a few choice zingers:

Is this a man or a woman? OH MY GOD THEY HAVE CROSSED HUMANS WITH FROG DNA! Jabba the Hut’s kid? Woahhhh someone slay this creature and see how much exp points you get and check for possible loots. Who is responsible for going shaolin stick fighting style on this thing’s face with branches of the ugly tree?

Go die in a fucking fire.

It looks like you ate chocolate rain, you fat ass.

dude give up ur fat, ur ugly, u got no rythym, ur fat, ur ugly, and ur fat too!!!!!!

u look like a fat fish.

Here’s the oddly compelling original video with 10 million views that spawned hundreds of spoof tributes:

When he leans away from the mic I like to pretend he’s giving me kisses!  [not really an insult but still funny]

Not bad for a 7-year old…

You look like you’re getting butt-fucked.
I like watching this with the sound off and laughing at you.

This is the end of the Internet.

ahh…. the sweet relief of nausea. This guy is a human stomach pump.

TIME OUT!!!….Is this song about diarrhea??

LOL his face is glossed with jizz

The singer in the video, Tay Zonday, tried valiantly to answer his critics but gave up after the 9,000th comment or so:

5iveX:  Ughh ur ugly and stupid.  Your voice sucks..you phail at life.

TayZonday:  Hi 5iveX! Why do you say that I’m ugly and stupid? What are you trying to communicate? Give more detail about what you dislike.

YouTube — comedy gold.

Leftie Girls Are Easy

This article about looking for love at an Obama political rally made me laugh.

 “You are likely to have similar political views, and those often cross into other things that aren’t politically affiliated,” says Colleen Kluttz, a 29-year-old TV producer who’s hitting the event tonight if work allows.

I suppose it makes intuitive sense to a politics-drenched activist like Colleen that your views on the estate tax or troop withdrawal would define who you are as a person in all areas of life, but in my experience a girl’s political opinions have zero correlation to how well we’ll get along as a lovemaking couple.  About the only time it matters is when… we’re discussing politics.

The one exception is her view on abortion, which is more religious in nature than political.  I would never bareback it with a pro-life chick.

“It [politics] will give you something to talk about. It gives you a reason to have conversations that aren’t just about yourself.”

Let me tell you, if you are discussing politics with your date, no matter how sympatico you both are, you won’t be getting laid.  The tedious, dreary world of politics engages her logical mind when you want to do exactly the opposite.  If she’s the type that can’t take a breather from braying about this or that political pet cause then she has control issues you want to avoid.

And no two people are 100% in agreement on every issue.  You spend an hour talking politics and there is bound to come up a disagreement over some by-line in the appropriations bill that kills the sexytime mood.

But what kind of guy are you going to find at an Obama rally?

“A socially conscious liberal – probably a well-dressed, well-groomed hipster,” Kluttz says.

If you want to bang this girl, your dedication to world peace won’t be enough.  You had better dress well, too.

Lindsay Schaeffer, 25, may even skip the rally for the nighttime bash.

“Look, you never meet good guys in a bar,” she reasons. “Something like this naturally weeds out the losers for you. You aren’t going to get some pickup artist at a political after-party.”

Keep telling yourself that, Lindsay.  Heh heh heh.

Every guy in the world is looking for the pickup.  Some are just more artistic in the execution than others.

One ardent Obama supporter (who declined to give his name because he works in politics) says he’ll attend both the rally and the after-party, and he doesn’t expect to be going home alone.

He’s confident for a reason.

“Let’s face it: Leftie girls are easy,” he says.

This is the conventional wisdom about leftwing girls.  When I was in college I joined both the College Democrats and the College Republicans to meet girls.  I altered or concealed my views as needed when it was personally advantageous and helped toward my goal of hooking up.  My friends and I agreed at the time with the commonly-held assumption that the Dem girls were good to go, while the Repub girls were prettier and more “well-kept”.

I learned that the conventional wisdom is onto something, but for the wrong reasons.  A lot of the leftie girls came from broken families.  Dads who vamoose make girls who are loose.  The rightie girls held out longer but when the floodgates finally opened their sexual appetites poured forth just as voraciously as their sluttier leftie sisters, if not moreso.

As for who was prettier, if I subtracted the butch lesbians from the Dem ranks and the fashion queens from the Repub ranks, I didn’t notice much daylight between the two groups of girls.  Of course, this was college, a time of life when most girls look bangable as long as they stay slim.  I think as women age the Republicans tend to stay hotter longer because of their no-nonsense fastidiousness about catering to men’s desires.

Defining the Alpha Female

In a previous post I discussed a workable definition of identifying alpha males that most non-delusional people would have no problem agreeing with.  Here I will set out what defines the alpha female.  In some ways, the alpha female is a mirror image of her male counterpart.  Where quantity counts heavily toward a man’s rank, quality does so for women.  Where notches boost a man’s score, commitment boosts a woman’s score.

The amount of variables that go into determining a woman’s sexual market value is considerably smaller than it is for men, thus making the determination of the alpha female quite a bit easier.  The reason for this has to do with the inherently imprecise and heterogeneous nature of male power versus the comparatively objective nature of female power.  A boring rich man, a starving artist, and a charismatic rapscallion can all do well with women, so individual measures such as wealth, creativity, and dominance, on their own, fall short as inclusive definitions of alpha male status.  We have had to use indirect evidence of a man’s alphaness — his success with women — to come up with a male ranking system that allows for very few exceptions to the rule.

Women, on the other hand, can be ranked more directly (though not entirely).  Unless she’s got HIV or is missing a vagina, a 9 will in almost all cases be more alpha than a 6, regardless of how many men she dates.  This stems from the fact that men are not as diverse as women in what turns them on in the opposite sex.  Men dig beauty.  A feminine personality and sexual adventurism follow in a distant second and third place.  Smarts takes up the rear in fourth.  Men’s simple attraction programming means that we can rank women by their hotness without worrying about too many exceptions that violate the integrity of our ranking system.

But that is not the whole story.  Besides hotness, there is one other factor that influences female rank — the maximum level of commitment she can extract from her best option.  Her personality, charm, sexiness, character, and nurturing ability will make the difference here.  The best option rule is essential — men who are below her first choice offer unwanted commitment while men who are too far above her are guaranteed to put less effort into the relationship.

So the two variables defining female rank are:
Female hotness (sorry girls, but beauty is 99% NOT in the eye of the beholder).
Maximum level of commitment from the top suitor (this is what really separates the contenders from the pretenders; committing up is trickier than dating up).

Male partner rank is included as a reference point showing what pool of men is normally available to a woman of a particular rank.  This will on average be a little higher than the woman’s rank since women date up.

What is not included —
Number of partners means little to a woman’s rank.  Even a 1 can get fucks dumped in her by a drooling parade of Quasimodos.  Of course, a 10 will have way more males desiring her than the 1, but since men are more willing to occasionally dumpster dive and women don’t lust for variety as much as men do, we will leave that irrelevant variable out of the equation.

Female Rank     Hotness(F)   Male Rank    Max Commitment Level
Warpigs*                0                    0,1          30 seconds through glory hole
Lesser Omega       1,2                  1,2,3        15 minutes, moonless night only,
                                                                  contacts removed, never sober,
                                                                  doggy style with nothing but
                                                                  genitalia touching and a vomit
                                                                  bag nearby
Greater Omega      2,3                2,3,4        one hour with aid of mexican
                                                                  wrestling mask and stick to
                                                                  bite down on
Lesser Beta            3,4               3,4,5       4 weeks and nobody knows
                                                                  except you and your god
Beta                        4,5,6            4,5,6,7     6 months – 5 yrs, no flowers, no
                                                                  poems, no nights out, zero foreplay,
                                                                  she never comes, ultimatum spurs
                                                                  marriage proposal, divorce a messy
                                                                  but welcome denouement,
                                                                  housework is 70/30 favoring the man
Greater Beta          6,7               6,7,8         5 – 10 years, marriage tainted by
                                                                  at least one affair, passion fades
                                                                  after first year, marriage becomes
                                                                  comfortable compromise, chance of
                                                                  divorce slightly beats the odds
Lesser Alpha          7,8               7,8,9        10 – 15 years, she convinces him
                                                                  to marry right away instead of
                                                                  cohabit, first 5 years of marriage are
                                                                  magical time of animal sex and sweet
                                                                  romance, kids are never resented,
                                                                  husband works ass off to support
                                                                  family, super hot mistress
                                                                  precipitates divorce
Alpha                       8,9               8,9,10      10 years of faithful cohabitation,
                                                                  followed by 15 years of progressively
                                                                  unfaithful marriage (hey, hot people
                                                                  are constantly tempted), affairs
                                                                  ignored, sex always good, romantic
                                                                  gestures clever, original, and heart-
                                                                  warming, family portrait painted by
                                                                  norman rockwell descendant
Super Alpha           10                10           foreva eva, a polyamorous eternity,
                                                                  love stays strong (or at least until she
                                                                  hits the wall)

*Water cooler bonus: there are twice as many dregs as warpigs.

Exception argument:
What about the rare female 4 who snags a male 8?  Doesn’t that make her an alpha?

No.  Let’s turn it around to show why.  If a male 4 snags a female 8 his ranking goes up, maybe even as far up as a male 8.  Other women see and hear about him with his hot girl and the phenomenon of female preselection assures that he will now be more attractive to a bigger pool of women.  Not all female 8s will suddenly find him attractive, but enough will that it will make a difference in his alpha ranking.

Conversely, if a female 4 lands a male 8 her sexual status ranking will barely nudge up, if at all.  That is because male preselection does not work.  Other men won’t become more attracted to a female 4 despite seeing her with a much higher status guy.  They will be curious, but their crotches won’t stir.  Her basic package of looks will still dictate the amount of attraction she can generate from men.                     

Thursdays Rule

In the quest to uncover any hidden patterns in my dating experiences that might help me streamline operations, I’ve done a back of the cocktail napkin calculation of the total number of girls I’ve dated that led to intimate relations, assorted by which days I first met those girls.  I wanted to see if some days were better for meeting a slutty sexually responsive pool of available women.

Obviously, having a good memory is a factor in this analysis, but as a man I found it a lot easier to remember the exact day I met a girl I would eventually bang than it is to remember, for example, my niece’s name.

The following table shows the percentage of total intimacies by the day of the week that the successful pickup first began.

Day of First Meet                 Percent of Total Lays
Monday                                       5%
Tuesday                                      10%
Wednesday                                  0%  (!)
Thursday                                    30%
Friday                                         25%
Saturday                                     15%
Sunday                                        15%

I was a bit surprised by Wednesday’s goose egg.  Maybe this is dumb coincidence or faulty memory, or hump day (behold irony) is a black hole of suckage for meeting girls.  Is Wednesday Desperate Housewives night?  I wouldn’t know.

Friday’s results were predictable as more single girls go out on that night than any other by my guess, providing a richer target environment, but Saturday put up a less than stellar showing.  For all its pomp and circumstance as a great hookup night, Saturday actually blows.  It’s a date night for one, and the hordes of desperate men who didn’t meet anyone Friday night give it the old college try again on Saturday, smothering the good vibes with their massive sausage invasion.

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday have been good considering their reputations as lonely barfly nights devoid of girls, but two things I’ve learned over the years are that any girl going out on an off-night is seriously looking to hook up (double hookup points if she braves it on a rainy weeknight) and logistics are favorable for you to take a girl home that night because weeknight venue patrons are more likely to be local.  Also, it doesn’t hurt that the venues aren’t swarming with drunk Axe-wearing clones.  Just be sure to avoid those bars that cater to the kickball flip cupper crowd.

For some reason, a lot of European women go out for drinks on Sundays and Mondays.

Thursday gets crowned Notch Night of the Week.  It has the best mix of quality and quantity, with just enough of a scene to make things interesting, yet suitably laid back to appeal to the types of women who don’t parade around clubs holding their girlfriend’s hands like circus elephants.  This is one of the great advantages to living in the city — rolling out on a Thursday night is not such a chore.

Conclusion:  there is selective filtering in action based on day of the week.  Quieter nights will have fewer opportunities, but the leads are stronger.  Busier nights have more opportunities, but on average they are weaker.  The best night is the one that strikes a balance between numbers and receptiveness.

Day game is limited to Saturday and Sunday, so unless you are unemployed and can spend all week trolling for other unemployed girls, it’s pointless to draw any lessons from the number of girls you have picked up during the daytime.

A Critical Moment

Everything was going right.  My game was tight.  She was responding with an everlasting feedback loop of positivity.  All smiles, all electrified touching on the legs, chest, arms.  Unforced laughter.  Whispers in ears as cheeks grazed.

A culmination in same night sex was within the realm of possibility.  I could practically taste it.

Then she pulled the classic last ditch stone cold shit test.

Using inviting body language, she welcomed a male interloper into our perfect night.  He dutifully took the bait and chatted her up.  She snapped her eye contact away from me and to him.  She laughed at his… what were they?… jokes?… no, she laughed at any old stupid thing he said.

He was in heaven.  Getting the girl AND sticking it to some chump who thought he had it in the bag.

But I knew better.  He was being used by her.  A compete tool in a skilled operator’s hands.  She just needed to know if I was strong enough to not get rattled.

About half the girls I have picked up have at some point attempted to pull this maneuver.  Club and bar girls are the worst offenders because it is so easy for them to recruit an all-too-willing male foil from the crowd.

It used to chasten me.

Now it charms me.

There is one way to handle this final shit test that is absolutely GUARANTEED to work every time — walk away.

First, chat up the guy in a friendly manner to show you are unaffected by his presence.  Stay for a few minutes.  Smile.  Then, leave, preferably right in the middle of something you were saying to both of them to maximize the impact of your exit.  Give no explanation or excuse.  Just walk away casually and confidently to another floor of the bar.

Can you walk away from a girl in whom you have invested three hours of seduction?

Literally 30 seconds later she joined me downstairs — by herself.

Test passed.

It was funny how compliant and eager to please she became after that.

%d bloggers like this: